As an outrageous generalisation, there are two types of bosses in the world. Some managers make you feel more competent, more capable and more like the person you aspire to be when you’re around them. Conversely, some managers make you feel belittled, stupid and more like the person you’re worried you really are when you’re with them.
Often, the same manager can demonstrate both characteristics — depending on stress, their previous meeting, their mood and even the person they’re talking to.
To my shame, and despite my best efforts, I’ve too often been on the side that puts people down, rather than lifts them up.
For me, the watershed came in a monthly review meeting with a member of my team; a trusted, talented and capable professional on her own merits. Even as I walked in to the room, I could tell that something was afoot.
As we began taking, I was confronted with the uncomfortable news that I could be irritable and curt, and that, depending on my mood, people would walk on eggshells around me. I was quick to criticise and intolerant of perceived inability. Sometimes, I was told, when I was particularly grumpy my team even avoided engaging with me.
Me? Surely that couldn’t be right. I had grown the company from scratch, and indeed grown up with them. I was often approached for advice and guidance, and I had an incredibly loyal and close-knit team that had a reputation for delivering.
My perception of myself didn’t tally with that external opinion. I thought I was unflappable, fair, emotionally aware and approachable.
But of course, I wasn’t, not enough of the time. We all experience stress at work and have off days. What worse time for self-awareness then when you’re surrounded by idiots and deadlines?
That review was a stark moment of realisation for me, and it caused me to take stock of both my behaviour and the root cause for it. In my case, I had too much privilege, and my irritability was tolerated because of my seniority and tenure. I could make an excuse that I was busy, and that I had a lot on my plate, but that should never have affected my co-workers.
Over time, I had come to live in something of a feedback-free bubble. Precisely because I had built the team, because I had long tenure, because I was close to the top of the business, I had become difficult to approach and too confident that my success meant that I was doing everything right.
The message that I wasn’t as good as my own self-image was hard to hear, but it took an act of considerable courage from someone I respected to intervene and start the process of correcting my self-perception. Imagine how difficult it would be to sit down with your manager, and deliver the news that they were occasionally unbearable.
As I’ve written before, trust, respect and security are hugely important not just for individuals, but also for team performance.
My behaviour, albeit occasional and unintentional, threatened the emotional security of my team. As much as I believed I was a capable leader, I was clearly falling well short of the mark, with the people that mattered most, my team.
There is a lot to be said for tools like ‘radical candour’, which emphasise the importance of clear communication, but there is no excuse for ever falling into the ‘belittling boss’ camp. This is one reason why I find servant leadership and Jocko Willink’s Extreme Ownership so powerful, as they emphasise the responsibility of individuals to each other.
Feedback is important, because it’s a tool to make great teams better. Structured performance management in teams is critical, because it helps prevent negative behaviours developing. 360 degree reviews, especially for managers, are a powerful tool, but as with any powerful tool should be used thoughtfully, and preferably by trained professionals.
The most important question you can ask yourself is,”who is going to call me out for all my shit”. If it’s not obvious that someone can give you frank and honest feedback, make it a priority to find someone who will.
For me, it took the courage of one motivated individual to call me out, and it’s a lesson that stands out when I look back over my career. While it was a blow to my ego, the more painful realisation was that I had been letting my team down, and I resolved to not let it happen again.
While I know that I’ll occasionally fail, I hope that I’ll make this mistake less in future, and my hope in sharing this story is that I’ll help other managers catch this problem before it impacts their teams.
I want to help my teams believe that they are individually capable of greatness, and if I don’t I hope that they too will put me in my place.
This story is published in The Startup, Medium’s largest entrepreneurship publication followed by 303,461+ people.
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